The Olympics is doing it all wrong! It is a fraud, a scam and the jury is rigged!!! Okay it is not any of these things but they do reward physical strength, endurance and skill. But what if they rewarded engineering, horse power, lateral G forces, grip or fuel economy…?
Ladies and Gentleman, I present the results of the “Real” winter Olympics.
Cross Country Mass Start:
1) Volvo V70 Turbo Wagon
2) Audi A6
3) Jeep Wrangler.
This year’s cross country mass start was truly a race between the Audi and the Volvo. The course was 50 kms through the rolling hills of Sochi. The Jeep could have been a contender but the tall SUV was just too unstable in the corners, constantly going off course. The Audi and Volvo were neck and neck throughout the event. Both cars have all wheel drive and advanced traction control. Volvo won in the end probably due to the fact that it started playing in the snow when it was only 500 kms old thanks to its Swedish upbringing.
Downhill Long Jumping:
1) Audi Quattro gruppe B
2) Subaru WRX STI
3) Ford F150 Raptor
This was some stiff competition. The Subaru was rumored to win this event hands down as it has lots of experience in the air. Then 2 weeks before the competition rumors started circulating that the Raptor would win because its brawny 6.2L V8 was now wrapped in a lighter aluminum body. This proved false as the truck showed up on race day in stock, steel form. Nobody remembered how ruthlessly insane the Audi Gruppe B Quattro was. It had the longest jump by 8 feet. The driver also soiled his pants in terror of the machine. Subaru really earned the silver its jump was poised, straight and had a controlled landing. The big Ford was a distant third, it’s suspension is better suited to the moguls.
1) Audi RS6
2) Mercedes E63 AMG 4MATIC
3) Lamborghini Aventador LP700-4
4) Nissan GTR (DNF)
This is the spectator favorite, not so much for the sights and competition but for the sounds. These cars make fantastic noise and because the competition is inside the sounds are amplified. Audi had outside track and many suspects that is why it edged out the Mercedes on the 10,000 meter oval track. The Lamborghini was just too dramatic to be a winner. It had inside track and kept drifting into the middle track through corners, this was a big problem for the Nissan. Nissan had the race in the bag until the Lamborghini pulled an untentional P.I.T. maneuver and slammed the Nissan into a wall breaking the front control arms. It was a shame because it sounded fantastic.
1) Ford F-150 Raptor
2) Mercedes G63 AMG
3) Range Rover Supercharged
The Ford was literally made for this event so it is no surprise that it won. The Fox suspension soaked up all the bumps like a sponge. Rumor is the truck was in neutral the whole time and the driver didn’t even touch the brakes. IOC investigated and would only confirm that it was a fair competition. The Mercedes was surprisingly efficient at negotiating the bumps, as opposed to just driving over them. The big SUV was so composed that it actually accelerated through the course. The Range Rover seemed to be a mix of the Mercedes and Fords performance. It used its supercharged engine and sport tires coupled with its ability to “drive over anything” to get a solid third place finish. It would have earned a silver but the Queen was riding shotgun and did not want to spill her tea. Pity.
This concludes our comprehensive coverage of the Winter Automotive Olympics. Now go back to cheering for Team Canada!